The very basics of relationship problem advice start with the simplest steps. Whether it is boy meets girl, boy meets boy or girl meets girl, there is at first some sort of physical attraction or chemistry between the two people.
Sometimes it is an extremely strong sexual desire but at other times it is more subtle. Whatever form the initial magnetism takes, it is only the beginning.
Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
Alfred Tennyson - In Memoriam
you have high hopes of a permanent relationship, by which I mean marriage or
some form of lifelong commitment, but your partner is not responding in the way
you had hoped, it may be time for you to re-evaluate your relationship now.
Your partnership might have reached the stage where one of you wishes to marry but the other says it is too soon, she doesn’t wish to marry for some years yet or it depends on the course her career takes. Your life values may be different.
initial reaction when that sort of situation occurs is to blame the partner or
to be disappointed in her. But before
you start pointing the finger of blame, examine your own position a little more
Who got you into this relationship? You did. Who went ahead with the arrangement without checking out whether her values matched yours? You did. Who missed the early warning signs? You did.
If you are disappointed in him, don’t be. You are the one who didn’t check out whether your expectations of each other were the same.
Or if you did, you permitted your arrangement to continue in the hope that he would change. If that is right, you shouldn’t be disappointed with him, you should be disappointed with you for permitting yourself to go this far.
Ruth and Jason have been married for three years or so. They had known each other since school days and lived together for ten years before they married.
During that period Jason was rarely at home in the evenings. He sang in a pop group so he was constantly out travelling and performing gigs.
Whenever the subject of marriage arose, Jason sidestepped it. He wasn’t ready and he didn’t know when he would be ready.
Although Ruth didn’t face up to reality, when Jason went off to perform his gigs he attracted the attention of other women and he liked, as Jason would put it, to have the odd fling.
Bluntly put, he was a two-timer. But Ruth held on in there hoping that one day she would be able to persuade Jason to marry her and, in due course, she did.
They had an exotic wedding in a far off place and after eighteen months of marriage Ruth fell pregnant and ultimately gave birth to twins.
She had hoped that Jason would, once married, change and give up singing with his pop group, but that was not what Jason wanted and he didn’t.
If anything, his engagements increased, he was out even more and Ruth and the child saw even less of him.
wasn’t too long before it came to Ruth’s notice that Jason was having a sexual
relationship with another woman.
confronted the woman who told Ruth to get lost, and when she attempted to
broach the subject with her husband, Jason told her not to be so silly; there
was really nothing to it.
Ruth is still with Jason. Jason still carries on with other women. Ruth is miserable but does nothing about it.
That is a sad but familiar tale. One partner in the relationship – in this case Ruth – placed herself in a pit and put the other – Jason – on a pedestal.
decided that she wanted Jason and was prepared to put up with almost anything
to get him. Now she is prepared to put
up with almost anything to keep him.
She is carrying on with a life which has become familiar to her because she is frightened of change.
on the other hand, never wanted any kind of commitment and avoided it as long
He adored the adulation he
received from the groupies who turned up at his gigs, and he knew there was
often a chance of getting one of them into bed before the night was over.
He still does. He won’t change. He, so to speak, puts Ruth in a metaphorical pit and treats her accordingly. As long as Ruth permits him to behave in that way, he will.
The partnership between Jason and Ruth is not a partnership in the conventional sense, nor a healthy family relationship, is it?
A partnership or marriage should
be a partnership of equals founded upon mutual love and trust.
You should each bother to find out the other’s values, know that your values are compatible with each other’s, discuss them and be prepared to adjust to some extent to make it a mutually beneficial relationship.
If you cannot or will not do that, the relationship is doomed.
This partnership – if that is what it can be called – would never have reached the stage it had if Jason and Ruth had talked to each other and made their personal positions absolutely clear.
If Ruth had accepted Jason for who she knew he really was and hadn’t been desperate to land a man, she would not have placed herself in such an intolerable position. Jason’s values – if that is what they can be called – are not Ruth’s.
Jason, on the other hand, is perfectly happy to carry on in any casual way he chooses knowing that Ruth is at home to wash, cook and clean and bring up his children while he gallivants and cavorts with other women.
Know this. You don’t have to play second fiddle in somebody else’s band. You are a truly unique, beautiful and wonderful person just the way you are.
You don’t need anybody else in order to survive, succeed and be happy in this world. Everything you need is within you.
you see this sort of scenario descending upon you, consider whether to end it now
and look elsewhere or seek expert relationship advice.
As is often said, there are plenty of fish in the sea – and some of them are actually worth catching if you want them.
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